The Only Thing That Counts

The very thing that caused me to lose my faith was the path I found to return to it.

Faith has that kind of effect.

I felt my faith slipping away around 20 years ago.  It felt shameful because I was a professional in it.  I made my living describing to young people what a life of faith was. At the same time, mine was losing its savor.

As I sat in my basement on that unforgettable Tuesday morning and watched the live coverage of the Twin Towers falling to the ground, it felt like a metaphor for my faith.  What I had spent my entire life building was crumbling before my eyes. There was nothing I felt I could do about it other than watch it disappear and grieve the loss.

How can faith be real when this kind of shit happens?

I eventually became cynical and skeptical of anything that I had previously held on to. Books, messages, past advice that I once found solace in were no longer meaningful. It felt like I was entering a dark tunnel with no light at the other end. Where would it lead? I had no idea.

I filtered other negative experiences through this lens. The untimely death of two young students pushed me further into the tunnel.  I made some agreements there in that dark place, ones that I now longer keep, but were significant at the time, nonetheless.

Since I had no visible evidence, I concluded that faith was mostly powerless and useful only in a metaphorical sense. That was until I found myself in a place where I needed it again.

I had to leave the ministry to find my faith again.

What I thought was desperation was really an act of faith when I resigned in May 2005 to leave and build a restaurant.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but the next several years would require a life of faith that I had never known while I was a professional pastor. Challenge after challenge would arise that made me wonder if I was ever going to make it to opening day.  After that day came, were we going to make it through that first winter? Then came conflict, cash flow issues, cancer and oppressive medical debt. Where would I turn? How would I make it? What would I do if I go under?

What I thought was dead was only dormant. Faith was ready to help me start answering those questions.

The fun thing now is that I’m still a pastor at heart. I just don’t make a living from it.  I possess the knack for it, but no longer need the office to empower me. I still love watching out for people, encouraging them to believe the impossible is possible. 

“The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.”

Make today count.