Joy is My Strength

Misery indeed loves company and sometimes the only company I kept was within myself.

When I was at the basin of depression, I did not want to be cheered up.  I wanted to reinforce the narrative in my head, that I had failed miserably and that my best days were behind me.  To aid this strategery, I isolated myself from positive messages and attempts to speak into my life. I listened to dark music.  Whiskey was my Sominex. It was bad, but to be fair, I didn’t want out. I found solace in my darkness.

I’m glad I’m in a better place today, but I’m also grateful for that season, as it has shaped me into becoming a better man with a better word. I remember the feeling of standing on the edge of the abyss, looking down. It terrifies me today, but it’s odd how I wasn’t afraid then.  I think it was because I was looking for an answer, and it appeared that it was waiting at the bottom of the abyss.

As I learn to relate to others in a spirit of grace now, I look at people and see them as doing the best they can under the meager knowledge of their current circumstances.  I just think we are not as dumb as we are short-sighted. The more my wounded soul demanded relief, any immediate pain-reliever within reach made sense. Whiskey did the trick to get me to sleep, but once it wore off at 3am, I woke up with a new problem; I couldn’t go back to sleep, therefore I fell back into the repetitive, harmful cycle.

I’m grateful I get to live a new life now.  I am recovering from depression and grief of loss, but I am now hopeful again.  And one of the most surprising elements of this process is how feeling better makes me want to keep feeling better. I’ve changed my eating patterns and am in the process of losing weight. My goal is to get 25lbs off my frame so I can experience the joy of long distance running again. I’m almost halfway there.

I drove to Omaha yesterday to see MFT and on the way back, I started getting really hungry on the hour drive toward home.  In the past, I might roll into a drive-thru and grab a Big-N-Nasty to assuage the pangs and not think twice. But yesterday was different.  I pondered the price I would have to pay for that immediate relief. Would I see it on the scale tomorrow? How would it hinder my progress of getting back to running?

The Joy of my Heart took over, and I passed by exit 440, turned the music up and kept driving.

I’ve had to learn how to be happy again.  And while misery does love company, so does Joy.  It doesn’t have to only be negative. The positive side of me is capable of greater attraction and magnetism.

Life’s a one time offer. Make it count.